Ask a Therapist
Often survivors struggle with feeling alone in their experience and want to seek help. Therapy is an extremely useful tool that unfortunately not all survivors have access to. Because of this, Honey has partnered with trauma informed therapists to answer your questions about survivorship, healing, and life post-trauma. If you are a survivor, ally, or someone interested in learning more, please submit your questions below. Licensed therapists will review your questions and we will publish their responses below. All submissions will remain anonymous.
Q: I’ve gone through so many stages in thinking about my abuser. For so long I couldn’t think of him, then I was hurt and sad, and so ashamed, I’m finally to a point in healing where I know it’s not my fault, and I’m SO angry at him. I don’t know what to do with this anger or all of these things I want to say to him about how he hurt me and treated me. How do I process now wanting to defend myself to him for what he did in the past without actually confronting him?
There are many ways we can experience and feel our anger and hurt. The important part is to allow ourselves to feel the anger. Anger is not a “bad” emotion, it is uncomfortable, yes, but also very necessary. Anger and resentment need to be expressed. There are healthy and unhealthy/damaging ways of expressing our anger, it is important to learn how to experience it in healthy ways. Anger is to be seen as a stop on the journey of healing, not a destination. Some stay longer in anger than others; there is no set time for how long we should be angry. We should also be mindful not to set up permanent residence there too.
Expressing anger in a healthy way can come in different ways: journaling, writing poetry or songs, venting to a safe and trusted friend/family member, finding a survivors support group, channeling it into exercise e.g. boxing, running, etc. or writing the abuser a letter (and most likely not sending it to them).
Some important questions to consider asking yourself:
How necessary is it for my healing for him to know how he hurt and traumatized me by his actions?
Would he listen to me, truly listen, and hear my suffering and pain, and acknowledge, even in part, that he was the author of that pain?
What if he becomes more defensive and minimizes my pain and suffering? How harmful will that be for me?
Working with a therapist to process and answer these questions would be recommended.
Here is a quote that might be helpful (I know you are not asking about forgiveness, but the overall message applies):
“We don’t need to forgive the actions of an unapologetic offender to find peace of mind. We need to, over time, dissipate its emotional charge. We need to accept the reality that sometimes the wrongdoer is unreachable or unrepentant - or perhaps dead - and we have a choice as to whether we continue to carry the wrongdoing on our shoulders or not. Letting go is certainly not easy, but forgiveness need not be a part of that process when the wrongdoer has done nothing to earn it. There is no one path to healing” - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. in “Why won’t you apologize?”
Q: I get so anxious when I have to go to the doctor. I hate being touched and looked at by strangers, even though I know most doctors have the best intentions. Being that vulnerable is emotional torture for me. What can I do to make the experience better?
First of all, I want you to know that this is so so so normal. Intense anxiety about doctors visits happens for people who haven’t been sexually assaulted so when there’s been an assault, it’s even harder. Second, having a primary care physician will be helpful so they can get to know you. If you have to see someone new every time, that can be extremely difficult.
Does your doctor know about your assault? If not, it would likely be helpful to tell them and explain how now doctor appointments are extra vulnerable for you. If it feels hard to say to them, most doctors offices have a way you can email your provider or you can write a note and ask the nurse to give it to the doctor before they come in.
If you’re needing to have any sort of testing done that feels even more vulnerable--having to be bare chested for an EKG or having a pelvic exam or even having an abdominal ultrasound—I suggest telling your doctor beforehand that you suspect it will make you incredibly anxious and they might prescribe you an anxiety medication to take beforehand to make it more tolerable.
Q: I am currently dating someone who knows about my past experiences, but it’s still hard for me to enjoy sex. I’ll get flash backs sometimes or just feel like my body is going into fight or flight mode and I lose the emotion. The worst part is I always end up apologizing, even though I know my reaction isn’t my fault. I want to enjoy being intimate, and I want to show my partner I’m enjoying it but a lot of the time I’m just not. What can I do?
This might not be what you want to hear, but, honestly, if you’re having flashbacks and your nervous system is panicking (the fight or flight feeling) and you’re not even having fun or in the emotion, I’d recommend you stop having sex with your partner for now so you can work on your trauma without being triggered so intimately. You and your partner can intimately connect in other ways still—does making out feel good and not triggering? what about cuddling? You’ll need to take a step back from sex for a little while and relearn that intimate touch is not a threat.
Seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual assault trauma would be helpful. There’s also a book by Wendy Maltz, The Sexual Healing Journey, that could be helpful. It even includes some exercises you and your partner can try to teach your body that intimate touch isn’t threatening in a safe context.
Q: I don’t trust people anymore, especially men. I always feel like I’m being used and I constantly question others’ love for me. I’m always assuming they just want to be with me for my body. How can I learn to trust people again?
When I have clients who are struggling with trust in a similar way, I notice that their difficulty with trust has gotten them to isolate themselves to a certain extent. Teaching yourself how to trust will feel risky and hard...and it’s also worth it because there has to be a little bit of trust for connection to be built.
That being said, the absolute best way for anyone to build trust with people is by having firm, clear boundaries. It might sound backwards, but having clear boundaries and communicating them to people lets them know what’s okay and what’s not okay. When people respect your most basic boundaries, you can trust them a little and see if they can be trusted with a little more.
For example, I might have a boundary about alcohol use and I let my friends know that I don’t feel safe around people who are drinking. Then, when a friend invites me over to her place for dinner and she’s got a bottle of wine open on the counter, it’s okay for me to reiterate the boundary saying, "Hey, I’d really prefer if we could spend time together without alcohol being involved—it makes me anxious.” She has the opportunity to gain your trust by saying “I totally forgot. I’ll put it away. Do you want a sparkling water?” That little moment and lead to more and more little moments of letting people show you that they are worthy of your trust.
Q: I’ve needed so much validation since being assaulted and it sucks, because I haven’t always been like that. What steps can I take to get back to the real me?
We all need validation. It’s how we feel seen and understood in the world. I’m guessing that you’re saying that your need for validation is coming from a place of insecurity, maybe even worry that you’re being judged. If I’m right, then your first steps are about acknowledging the stories that are running in your mind. When we don’t have all the information about a situation and especially when we feel insecure, our brains fill in the gaps to make a story that makes sense.
For example, if we are at dinner and you keep taking out your phone to text, I might make up a story about how you’re bored and I’m just a boring person and we aren’t as good friends as I thought. That could be true but there could also be 117 other things going on. Acknowledging the story I’m making up in my head and fact-checking it (saying, “Hey, you’re checking your phone a lot and I’m making up this story in my head about it being because you’re bored—what’s going on?”) with you will keep me in a state that feels like the real me rather than the insecure, needy feeling you’re experiencing.
Q: Since being assaulted, I've felt really disconnected from my body. Is that normal? Will I ever feel connected again? What can I do to help myself feel more connected?
It is normal to feel disconnected from your body after sexual assault and it is possible to reconnect to your body again. Reconnection is a process that occurs over time. When we are harmed, especially in a sexual way, we separate from the site of the pain, from our body and from ourselves. While it is protective, it also creates a sense of disconnection. We can feel disconnected from our bodies and emotions and therefore from ourselves and others. Reconnecting to the body and to your feelings is often (understandably) difficult due to the uncomfortable sensations and painful emotions that may be present regarding the assault. Reconnection needs to be done over time, gently, and at your own pace. To facilitate reconnection, body-based, creative and pleasurable activities and practices can be very useful. For example, yoga, simple stretching, breathing exercises, physical activity, integrating activities that connect to the five senses, in a pleasurable way, can foster connection. Engaging in art, writing, dance, music, etc. can also support connection.
Q: Being assaulted has really impacted the way I view my body. I feel like it's less "mine" now and sometimes I feel like I almost resent it. How can I improve my body image?
It is also common to have resentment toward your body after sexual assault. We can feel that our body betrayed us (didn’t fight; felt positive/pleasurable sensations; froze, etc.). Working to develop a relationship with your body over time is part of a recovery process. Using the strategies suggested above can help you reconnect to your body. Also, beginning to focus on all the things your body does for you, to support you, may be a helpful strategy. Focusing on the simple and necessary functions such as breathing, walking, standing, moving from place to place, digesting, resting when needed, etc. can help refocus the relationship with your body. Visit this link for more information on grounding techniques (integrating the senses).
Q: I really struggle with intimacy now. I sometimes feel physical pain in my sexual organs, and sometimes I totally space out during sex. How do I move past this? What can I do to maintain a healthy sex life?
Intimacy and sexual activity are often triggering (being taken back to a traumatic incident by a reminder in the present) and cause survivors of sexual assault to “space out” or avoid sex and intimacy all together. Being triggered can result in emotional, physical, and/or mental re-experiencing such as in images, flashbacks, associated feelings (fear, vulnerability, sadness, anger, disgust) and/or somatic reactions (pain, nausea, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, headaches). Finding ways to reconnect to your body in a positive, non-threatening, safe way is important. Communication with your partner(s) about what you are experiencing can be a useful part of the process. It is essential that this process occur in the context of a safe relationship and this recommendation is made with the assumption that the relationship is safe. It’s important to develop ways to remain present while experiencing the feelings and sensations that arise from being intimate. “Spacing out” or dissociation is normal and keeps us from feeling the pain. The first step is to address spacing out and to remain present even when discomfort arises. (See question above on reconnection and grounding.) Working toward addressing the discomfort and then communicating what you need when triggered is helpful.
It can be helpful to work with a trauma-informed therapist and/or a local Rape Crisis Center to process triggers and develop strategies to remain present when triggered. When triggers occur it is common to immediately try to avoid the trigger and related sensations and emotions. Over time, and in your own time, reducing avoidance and developing tolerance of uncomfortable reactions, as well as expressing your experience, helps to decrease the intensity and frequency of the reaction. This takes time, patience and self-compassion. Finally, having a medical exam regarding physical symptoms is important to rule out any medical issues that may also be causing pain and need care.
Q: I've turned to self-harm as a method of coping with my trauma. What should I do?
It is very common to develop symptoms such as an eating disorder, self-harm, and substance use/abuse after a traumatic incident such as sexual assault. These actions often provide a sense of control and/or relief from emotional pain and distress. The strategies above for grounding and self-soothing can be very supportive in addressing these symptoms. Given the safety risks, I recommend seeking the assistance of a trauma-informed therapist who can help you address the thoughts, feelings, impulses and body responses that contribute to an eating disorder and self-harm.