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Updated: Mar 27, 2019

My story is not something I have shared very openly. It feels shameful. It's not my shame to hold though it is his and I am working on transferring it to him.


Last summer I went on a date that ended up being horrific. It was our first date and we were playing it safe and going to church together for the date. I drove up to meet him on campus. As soon as he saw me he kissed me. It felt very aggressive, but I ignored my instincts telling myself I was being over sensitive and he probably just thought it was romantic to kiss me when he first saw me. He lead me to his truck and at his truck he pinned me against it and started very aggressively kissing me. It was very repulsive it felt like he was suffocating me with his tongue. I moved into his truck and he went around to start driving. On the way to the church he put his hand on my upper leg. I was really relieved when we got to church. It felt safe. I started to be more infatuated as we walked in together. He was very attractive and I liked walking in with him. The chapel was empty except for some old ladies who told us the next ward didn't start for two hours. I was confused. He had told me it started at 11:00. He wanted to leave but I sat down and told him I was gonna stay until church started. He was annoyed, but told me he would wait with me. He tried kissing me again and I told him I didn't like to kiss in public and wanted to wait until at least the 3rd date to kiss. He got annoyed and asked what we were gonna do until church started. I told him we could talk. We started talking and he asked if going to the temple could count as church for the day. I told him it could I felt bad saying no to him so much.


At the temple he kept trying to make out with me. I kept bringing up church stuff and my boundaries. He didn't seem to care. He asked if I wanted to go hiking. I told him no and that I needed to go home. He didn't listen. He started kissing me more and his hand went under my dress. I kept trying to get away and he sighed and told me he'd take me to my car. I was relieved to be going home. He drove past my car and I started panicking. I begged him to let me go and he told me he thought I said I wanted to go hiking. I tried bringing up religion, his family, and anything else I could think of, but it didn't matter. As soon as he parked I got out and put my pants on hoping he would hand me my phone and keys so I could run. He didn't. Instead he locked them in the car. He came around. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I was having as he lead me up a trail. Thoughts of him killing me and leaving me there crossed my mind. Mostly I was numb though.


We got to a rock and he started making out with me. Clothes started to come off and I told him clothes needed to stay on. It didn't matter though. I didn't matter. He raped me on that rock. Afterwards there was a lot of blood because I was on my period. He laid on top of me for a while. It felt like it was happening to my body and not to me.


After we got dressed he took me back down the trail and started driving back. He went to Maverick. He told me he didn't have money for gas and asked me to pay. I did because I wanted out. I saw police cars and told him I needed to go to the bathroom. He came with me and waited outside the door. My pants were ripped while he had been fighting to get them off me. There was blood and signs all over me of what had taken place and I hated it. I didn't want to leave the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run to the police officer and ask for help but I was scared.


I came out and he lead me back to the car. I thought he'd drive me to my car so I could go home. I was wrong. We went to his apartment. He took me to a storage room and showed me a dagger from his mission. I felt relief maybe he would kill me and it would be done, but he didn't. He laid me down and started grinding against me. His belt buckle hurt so much. My lip was bleeding from how hard he was biting it. I kept praying and counting to 30 over and over in my head. I was so sore and he kept making it worse. He stopped and I asked if I wanted to play 7 minutes in heaven. I said no and he sighed and got up. I don't know why he stopped. I was shaking so much as I drove home.


It still doesn't feel real to me. It's been 7 months now and I still am struggling so much with it. I've been going to therapy and did a group for survivors. I'm taking it one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time but slowly I am becoming resilient.