Last year was horrible. I hated myself and I hated that I still wasn’t healed. I hated that I still cried over the situation. I hate that I allowed the situation to cripple every area of my life and allowed it to rob me of my peace and my joy.
I met him when I was younger, and I absolutely loved him. I thought he loved me too. He said it over and over again. It was sweet at first, we would go out for ice cream, we would cuddle, watch movies, and make out. We started touching each other, and it was fun, enjoyable. Over time, things started to get aggressive. The way he would touch me, the way he spoke to me and the way he interacted with me. I thought this was normal.
There was a night I had friends over, and he mixed drinks for me. To this day, I cannot remember what exactly happened. I remember feeling the weight of him on top of me. I remember waking up with no clothes on. With remorse in his eyes he said to me, “I raped you.” I did not understand. I didn’t understand that things like this really happened. How could you rape someone you loved? My friends who were there that night told me that I probably wanted it and it would be my fault for drinking too much. I continued to be in this relationship. There were times when I would ask him to stop, and I would try to push him off but he would keep going. It was aggressive and it was painful, but he said he loved me. He loved me even though he cheated on me four times within the span of a year. He loved me even though he started to get abusive.
This was a year ago. Healing is a process and it hurts more than it should sometimes. There are times I still cry myself to sleep, and I wish someone could understand, I wish I could make sense of it all. But I am thankful for that night, because I am stronger than I was.
The truth is, you are a human worthy of love, you are not loved because of what you did, what you do, you are not loved because of your accomplishments. You are a human, and not an item to be used. You are more than a moment, you are more than a choice. You are more than the circumstances you find yourself in. I still choose to hope. I choose to believe the best is yet to come, for all of us.
