Truths are hard to share when you're confused about their validity. Everyone has gone through uncomfortable or traumatic experiences in their lives but, I believe there is a profound difference between choosing to not share those experiences, and having the opportunity ripped away from you.
When I was in my sophomore year of high school I met my first-ever boyfriend. After we got together, (I made the first move which actually didn't help in me questioning my fault in this whole thing) everything was perfect. I thought, "I didn't know I would find THE ONE this easy!" Slowly as things started to ramp up in our relationship, he got more and more possessive over me. I am one of those people that has a very strong bond with a lot of people, and emotionally it took its toll on me. I was left with bruises from him simply grabbing on to my arm whenever I repeatedly asked him not to do so. I had told him he was hurting me and I was uncomfortable because we were in public, but he continued, until I ended up yelling at him and then he didn't talk to me for the rest of the night...
This occurred once or twice, along with different scenarios of him trying to control where I was and who I was with, telling me he "didn't approve." His possessiveness was something I could look past at the time, but the PDA and touching was not.
He repeatedly would place his arm around me, try to kiss me, place his hand on my thigh during public events or in close areas with people. It sparked my anxiety and when I told him this and his response was, "Sorry, I just can't keep my hands off you." Trust me, I'm aware.
This certainly caused some resentment in me. Him not taking "no" for an answer was another thing that sparked me to realize I needed to do something about the situation I was in.
We were in my basement and he tried to take off my pants, and I froze. It was okay, right? He told me I wanted this, so I did right? And suddenly, as he tried to go farther I sat up and started crying, realizing that something inside me disagreed with what I was trying to tell myself. He continued, and finally I pushed him off, and he pouted. He actually, physically pouted. Because I refused to give up something to him.
To anyone struggling with a toxic partner, please understand that there are resources such as Honey where you can share a story, receive feedback, and that there is always going to be someone to talk to. I wish I had known sooner that it was not my fault, it wasn't my fault that I didn't want to give him something I wasn't ready to give up. Never let yourself think that you are at fault for taking your time. And lastly, I hope you can take something from this and choose to make a change sooner than I did, because I still deal with it day to day. You're all beautiful as you are.