I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to come here again and unfortunately here I am, my 2nd truth submission. My 1st one was written at the end of 2017 and was posted publicly on the site in the end of January/start of February 2018. That one was very liberating for me and helped me to process the trauma I still held from multiple sexual assaults, etc... that happened to me in high school. Now I feel ready to process some more trauma from more sexual assaults/rapes, Honey was the first place I thought to come to. In my 1st truth, I’d also mentioned that I had a very supportive boyfriend at the time. Unfortunately, I was very much in denial about how this relationship actually was, so a majority of this truth will be about that relationship. I want to add the same apologies I did last time, I’m sorry if this is very triggering for some, I never want to hurt or trigger anyone too much.
I met my ex in 1st year of uni in 2013, we had all the same classes and I later found out he also had stayed in the same dorm building as me, just 2 floors below me. We didn’t talk much in 1st year, just in class or we would message about uni assignments. In 2nd year he gradually started speaking to me more and over Christmas break we spoke almost daily over Skype. He would regularly ask me what I would do if he asked me out when we got back to uni. I constantly said I didn’t know because I honestly didn’t know how I felt about him. One day I broke down over Skype to him and told him all about what happened to me in high school, he was supportive and comforting and even made sure I knew that he would stop talking to me so much if I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. We did keep talking until we went back to uni.
When we got back to uni he invited me and my roommate to go ice skating and watch movies, etc... with him, his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend. Both times he was very interested in staying as close to me as possible, even to the point it got uncomfortable for everyone. Eventually my roommate told me he had been messaging her and asking her what she thought I would say if he asked me out. She said she told him to just ask me and find out for himself so he was going to do it the next day. That day he asked me to get lunch with him, as soon as we got food he asked and I nervously and tentatively said ok, I just wanted to see what life could be like in a relationship.
The first few weeks were great, he treated me like a princess but eventually he got slightly frustrated that we hadn’t done anything other than kiss. I told him I wanted to wait until I was ready to lose my virginity and he seemed ok with that, he just asked for oral sex which I agreed to because I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal. 3 months later I decided I was ready to lose my virginity to him, it was pretty disastrous, it was uncomfortable, sore, and lasted forever as he insisted on finishing even if I didn’t. I also had a massive nosebleed immediately after. As soon as we’d had sex the first time, the treating me like a princess thing disappeared. He started asking for sex every day, multiple times a day. I had a conversation with him a few times where I explained that I have a much lower sex drive than he may have because of my past. He seemed to accept that eventually and for the first few months we did only have sex when I was also in the mood for it.
The novelty of us both consenting wore off for him fairly quickly though, even though he went along with it for a few weeks. The first night he ever touched me in a way that I wasn’t comfortable with was terrifying. He’d made it clear quite often that he really wanted to try anal sex but I had insisted for months that it wasn’t something I wanted to do at all. I’d managed to talk him out of trying it successfully every time, until this night. This time, when I said no, he just said ok and we both agreed to PIV sex. Halfway through, we changed position so he was behind me, he started off with PIV from behind but very soon he started playing around with his fingers and my anus. I immediately told him to stop, he grabbed my hips and continued to do what he was doing. I struggled to pull away even after he’d grabbed me to keep me in place and get trying to get him to stop but he wouldn’t. He pushed me down into the pillows and forced himself into me, forcing me to have anal sex with him. It was extremely painful, I was crying and he just laughed at me for crying. I should have left him that night but I’m ashamed to say I stayed, largely because my roommate was moving out and I would have had nowhere to stay if I couldn’t stay with my boyfriend. This was only 4-5 months into the relationship and this whole dance became a semi-regular occurrence, to the point I would never be in the mood even for PIV sex and so we substituted in food. We both put on some weight and that also reduced his sex drive but not massively.
Fast forward to 2017, this had now been going on for 2 years, his attention toward me had dwindled to bare minimum. When I woke up in the middle of the night from nightmares most nights he would comfort me until I could get back to sleep (he did this the whole relationship which is why I’d said he was supportive in my 1st truth, it was true to some degree). We were arguing more whenever we did talk and because I was finishing up my 4th and final year and he was re-sitting a few modules of his 3rd year, he became very lazy, he spent all day doing nothing but playing video games and eating takeout food, some days he wouldn’t even change out of his PJs or brush his teeth or put deodorant on. The relationship emotionally was over for me by the time we’d been together for 6 months, at this point I think we both knew on some level that this wasn’t working really. In April there was 1 night where he just snapped. We’d both agreed to sex so foreplay was going ahead as normal but as he started to finish up with the foreplay he started to become aggressive. I asked him to stop multiple times, I wanted to talk to him if he was angry with me for some reason rather than have angry sex but he wouldn’t listen. He threw me around into the position he wanted me in, I kept begging him to stop but he wasn’t listening. He leaned down on my neck, pushing me into the bed and he raped me, vaginally and anally. I was trying to scream for him to stop but at one point he threw me on my back and choked me hard until I almost passed out. When he finished he sat next to me and said that it was the best sex we’d ever had and he should have done it like that earlier. He walked away back to his games and I sat in bed numb until he came back through an hour later and asked me “did I rape you?”. I told him I wasn’t sure and that’s when he started saying the whole rape fantasy thing was what I was into and it was so clear to him that it was what I wanted so I couldn’t say yes to his question since it was only ever just him fulfilling a fantasy of mine. If I wasn’t already numb I would have been shocked. We’d maybe had that conversation once a year or so before and I had made it absolutely clear that if we were to ever even consider it (which I’d also told him I probably wouldn’t consider it anyway) I would need to be in a better place about my past, mentally, and it would have to include a lot of talking before and after and safe words etc... were essential. None of that happened though and I had no idea that he thought he was just fulfilling a fantasy of mine. I was conflicted about this for so long but have come to the conclusion, this was rape. That was the last time we ever had sex for the rest of the relationship.
We moved out of the flat in May 2017, I graduated in July and spent 2 weeks with him at his parents. I then didn’t see him until after a job interview I had in November. I got offered the job, started in December and again didn’t see my ex until January when I broke up with him. The night I broke up with him he stayed in my flat arguing with me until 3am then climbed into bed with me, claiming he needed to keep warm, and I was too exhausted to kick him out of the house and he refused to sleep on the couch or let me sleep on the couch, plus there were no local taxis available at that time and even if he’d made it into the city, the first train on a weekend wasn’t until 8/9am. He spent another 2 hours trying to fondle me and get me to have sex with him. We didn’t have sex, he got too tired at this point to continue trying. He left at 8am and I never saw him again. He tried to keep in contact with me, tried to beg me to take him back and I refused every time.
The next part of this truth has to do with a man I met at the job I started at in December 2017. This man was openly gay to most people in the company, he was I think 29/30 (though there’s some question over this as another colleague saw his drivers license one time and said the date of birth on it would make him closer to 34/35) and I was 22. For some reason he took a shine to me, took me under his wing, taught me most things that I actually learned in that job. From the first day he took a personal interest in me, isolating me from the others in our team and he insisted on getting to know me more, seemingly in a platonic manner. When he learned about my boyfriend, he took an interest in how he was treating me which was somewhat a catalyst in my sealing the decision to break up with my boyfriend.
The guy from work quickly progressed from just being friendly at work to taking me out for dinner and drinks (even though I’d been sober for a few years) several nights a week after work. After these nights out, he would insist on driving me home even though he’d had too much to drink to drive completely safely. He opened up to me, told me about his struggle with depression, bipolar disorder, and having been falsely accused of rape when he was younger. He told me that he wasn’t sure if he even was gay, even though he had a boyfriend, and that it was just something he tried and went along with when he was 19/20 and he’d just not gone back to women except when he was experiencing a mania episode with his bipolar. I felt like I could open up to him so I told him about what happened to me in high school and loosely mentioned how my boyfriend didn’t necessarily always get my consent for sex.
The first week in January 2018 is when I broke up with my ex. Every day before the break up, the guy from work took me out for drinks after work, every night he drove me home. 2 nights before the break up he came inside with me when we got to my flat and he made himself comfortable on the couch while I made him a coffee so he could sober up. When I brought his coffee to him, he let me put it down on the coffee table and grabbed my hand, placed it on his bulge and made me rub it for him. I didn’t expect that at all, he made some comment about how my lips looked perfect for sucking and in my slightly drunken haze I told him he’s not the only one to have said that. He stood up, pulled his pants and underwear down, pushed down on my shoulders until I was on my knees and he pulled my head down onto his penis. He controlled my head and made me suck him until he finished. He never gave me any warning that he was close so I choked when he did finish and it made a massive mess on the rug. He left almost immediately after and I sat in the shower trying to sober up and comprehend what happened.
2 days later, I broke up with my boyfriend. 5 days after that I went out after work drinking with the guy from work again (we’d been out every night that week too). Again he drove me home after drinking too much and he came inside my flat with me again to sober up. This time, I was in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil, he got up from the couch and walked over to me, pushed me up against the wall by my throat and started kissing me. I pushed him away and asked him what he was doing, I reminded him he had a boyfriend but he said he didn’t care. He kissed me again and again I pushed him away and said no, asked him to stop. He grabbed my hand and started pulling me back to my bedroom. I kept telling him no, asking him to stop, reminding him of his boyfriend. He pushed me on the bed and pulled down his pants and underwear, I tried to sit up but he pushed me down by my throat and struggled to pull down my pants with his other hand. I continued to ask him about his boyfriend, asking him to stop but he just said he didn’t care about his boyfriend and I’d enjoy it. I remember him climbing on top of me, I don’t remember if he had a condom or not but I do remember the pain of him forcing himself into me, the lightheaded feeling of not being able to breathe properly. He finished and left immediately and I spent the next few days in bed suicidal.
I had to go back to work the next week and continue to work with him every day until he was eventually sacked (for unrelated reasons) in May. Every day he would make comments about how he just wanted to bend me over the tables and take me in front of everyone else. If we ever were left alone, he would try to kiss me and he would grope me. He made a big thing over the fact I’d gotten to sleep with someone “better” only 5 days after I left my boyfriend, he made a point of constantly saying that he wondered what our boss would think if she knew we did it. He kept me isolated from the others in our team, he managed to keep up his harassment of me and also spread gossip to me that everyone else in the team hated me, he was spreading gossip to the team that I hated them too. It wasn’t until he took some time off and I wasn’t afraid of talking to someone else that I and the others noticed how he was treating us all.
I really do hope that this is the last time I have to return to Honey to submit my truth. It’s taken me so long to accept that this isn’t normal, that I wasn’t to blame for any of it, that it is possible to be in a relationship of any kind that doesn’t involve being assaulted. I know my situation might be a bit unique but I still hope someone, anyone can take something from it. I don’t want anyone currently in a relationship like I was with my ex to feel like they can’t leave because of any reason. The truth is, if you can muster up the courage to leave, you should, to protect yourself from that trauma continuing. You are enough. Even on your own, you are enough. You don’t need someone with you to validate your existence, your experience