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6 months ago I was sexually assaulted on a night out. Prior to this his friends along with one of mine egged him on, found the blatant harassment hilarious no matter what I said and laughed around the table at his actions throughout the entire night. When I came to the realization of what had happened to me that night my “friends” reaction was “well no ones going to believe you, if you go to the police I have to tell them you were flirting with him, I can’t lie for you.” I was not flirting with him, even if I had been that did not give him a free pass to my body.

You really underestimate just how much your world can be shattered and perspective altered by less than 10 minutes of another persons actions. I was supposed to heal from my traumatic past this year, not have more pain to deal with. Life was pretty damn hard for me to navigate through like anyone else can as it was before I had the unfortunate experience of meeting you, so thanks for that. It’s nice to see you can carry living your life guilt free like nothing has ever happened. Able to go to work, enjoy all your hobbies and really just live your life every day. Must be nice is it? Man I wish I could do that. I wish I could do so many things I used to be able to do before you managed to invade every living moment and aspect of my world due to your misunderstanding of the word no. It’s soul destroying to be 6 months on and barely further on from Christmas morning when I had my first dose of nightmares and flashbacks after you did what you did to me.

At the time of getting this down it’s been 6 months, 182 days - 182 days spent enduring the absolute hell you’ve inflicted on me. 182 days of nightmares almost every time I fall asleep, seeing your face and feeling your touch every time I zone out of the excruciatingly painful reality I now live in, to be honest most days I don’t even know what is reality and what’s not anymore. 2020 was supposed to be different for me. For the first year in my memory I was going to be surrounded by people that I wanted to be with, people that really love, care for and would do absolutely anything for me rather than the toxic wastes of oxygen that brought me in to the world. I genuinely looked forward to it for the first time in my life, sad isn’t it? But that’s just life I guess,

I’ve accepted how things are there. I was gonna have a good day and you’ve no idea how much just the thought of that meant to me on the lead up to it. No stress, no shouting, no one being arrested or in prison, no hiding under my bed as a scared child, no being excluded by my family for standing up to over a decade of mistreating from them. Just peace and the closest to normality on Christmas Day that I was ever going to get, instead your actions and inability to take no for an answer took that from me. I was awoken by a nightmare around 5am that morning and that was me. Couldn’t move, could barely breathe, couldn’t understand what was going on. Days riddled with distress, dissociation and fear went by before what had happened to me really hit home. I’d dealt with post traumatic stress type symptoms more than once in my lifetime but wow, anything I had experienced before was nothing compared to this.

I managed to get up around 3pm that day and went to visit my brother, carried on trying to function and block everything out for a few days until I just couldn’t anymore. Every time I closed my eyes you were right there in front of me. By new years eve I was fighting with thoughts of chucking myself off the cliff edge and to tell you the truth most days I wish I had taken care of it there and then and saved myself from all the pain that was still to come.

You did this to me and you know what you did, hopefully if you ever plan on harassing someone on a night out again your friends won’t laugh and encourage you this time but I won’t hold my breath. It makes me feel physically sick how they can all normalize your creepy behavior towards me and laugh about it telling me “he’s not creepy he’s just like this when he’s had a few drinks”. No M*** you’re not “just like that” when you’ve had a few drinks, you’re a vile predator and one day I’m going to make sure everyone knows it.

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