I am a 16-year-old boy and I live in Arizona. My story starts shortly before I was born. My biological mother believed in witchcraft, and slept with multiple men. She had two sons and two daughters. The girls had a different dad than the boys. Therefore, by the time my twin brother and I were born, no one (including my mom) knew who my real dad was. I was an accidental pregnancy. I remember my mom having a new boyfriend frequently. The older boys were extremely violent. The oldest one would draw blood from the younger one, and I got in the middle of one fight and had my head smashed into a window. The sisters were much nicer and more protective over me, but I tried to stay away from all them. For a 4 year old, that was very hard. And that was where the problems began.
I was absolutely desperate to have a friend or someone to play with. Someone to make me feel loved and cared for. Because the only playful stuff I got was a sibling locking me in the trunk of a car. So when some of my older brother’s friends came and said they were building a clubhouse and wanted my help, I didn’t think twice about saying yes. All I really did was give the guys the tool they needed, or give them some nails, you know, small stuff like that. When it was done, it was basically a very large box with a door, a lock on both sides, and two benches inside. That was when these boys tricked me, locked me inside with them, and raped me. I didn’t know what was going on. And I let it happen. They hurt me, but I thought that was how teen boys showed they cared. So I let it continue . . . for 4 days.
I don’t know what ever happened to those boys, and I won’t say their names. I don’t want any more damage done, than what has already happened. I hope that they have stopped what they have done, and that I'm the only one they did this to. The 5th day after they started to do this to me, my older brothers got into another fight. Shortly after, CPS came into our house, when my mother was gone, and they took us all away. The first family I went to would beat me and my twin with a belt, any time their son did something wrong, just so they wouldn’t have to punish him. The family after that, was my sister’s grandpa. He neglected us, and the only ones who would feed us, were my sisters.
After that family, I was separated from all my siblings, except by twin. The family I went to next, also neglected us, did drugs, and abused us like no one else has. They didn’t beat us. Their abuse was more emotional. If it were snowing or raining, they would lock us outside for an hour, if we were lucky. I found a dog, kept her, and when she had puppies, the 9 of them were drowned by the foster sister. We were called the worst names you could think of, and we were only 6 years old.
A few years later, I was adopted into a really good family. They love me. I realized I had SSA (Same Sex Attractions) and I do consider myself as being gay. Yet my family still shows that they care for me. I still have many conflicts with my brother, mom, and dad, and I am currently struggling with pornography.
You see, I have suffered beyond what any child should have to go through. I have had physical and emotional abuse and turmoil, that no human should experience. I'm not sure if I have forgiven all these people who have hurt me, especially those teen boys, and I'm not sure if I can or will. I don’t know how to. But I am overcoming all of this damage. But it still left wounds and scars that I have to carry every day. I hope to help any other teens who are struggling with anything similar. It took me years to get the help and healing I desperately needed.
You see, it was the hiding, lying, and pretending that nothing happened, that made people think I was perfect. They never suspected anything was wrong. But it hurt me more. I wanted someone to understand me, and help me, but by refusing to tell anyone, I was also refusing a chance for help. All my problems got worse and worse, until I felt I couldn’t handle it any more. I was cutting and attempting suicide frequently. All of the physical pain from my past was buried until it became emotional pain, which then came out as more physical pain. Any thought of telling people I was a victim, was quickly dismissed by my fear.
When I finally did tell someone, they said to get counseling, and my first thought was that something was wrong with me. That, If I go, it was admitting that I'm weak. What I’ve found out, was that by me stepping up, and doing what I knew had to be done, I became vulnerable. I was opening up to possible rejection from people. I had to press through that and my pride, and I shared my story in a group of other teen boys, who had similar problems. What I found, was an amazing amount of support and love.
Admitting you have been abused, or that you have a problem does NOT make you weak! You are NOT a problem, and you it certainly wasn’t your fault. If you have been abused, and you have spoken up about it, then you are stronger than anyone I will ever meet. And if you haven’t spoken up, then you have a roaring lion inside you that wants out. A STRONG lion. You are strong inside, no matter what people tell you, or what you tell yourself.
However, if you always silence that lion, it will claw at you more and more, desperate to get out. And eventually, it may burst out, at the wrong time, and in the wrong way. You may be consumed by anger, and hate. Then there’s the other extreme, where that lion fades, and dies. You will then be consumed by a sadness that will be so hard for you to get away from, that you may feel you can’t ever be happy again.
But there is HOPE. There is always someone you can talk to. You just have to look. It may be difficult, but it will be worth it. I don’t know any of you, or your stories, but I know you all want to be as happy as you possibly can. And this isn’t an answer. It’s a stepping stone in the right direction. Now this isn’t a promise that you will have immediate relief, and that you will never run into a problem again. This is a process, and it will take, you’ll hate this word, TIME.
This is a promise that you will never be alone. You may feel like you’re by yourself, and that no one can ever love you, that no one cares, but please, trust me. There is always someone who will care for you, no matter how bad you think you are. And if you feel like you are alone I will always be here for you. You don’t know me, but that’s ok. If this message touched even one person in a positive way, it is all worth it.
Don’t give up. Let that lion out. If you think it already died, then resurrect it. Give everyone your supernatural, powerful, STRONG roar. The abuse was not your fault, and you are not alone. I believe in all of you, even if you don’t believe in yourself right now.