I was camping with my best friend. I thought I looked disgusting since I hadn’t showered in days but to him I was still fresh bait. As he forcefully pulled my pants down I begged him to stop, and reminded him in desperation, that I had been camping and I hadn’t even put on deodorant that day. He put his finger to my mouth to shush me. I told him no sex. He repeated the words back to me as he un-consensually penetrated me. I kicked. I said no. I said stop. I said that I didn’t want to have sex with him. I reminded him that I am a minor and that he was 7 years older than me. He didn’t stop until he was done with me. Then he put his pants on and I gave him a funny look because I was so shocked and confused. He looked back at me and said “you said you didn’t want to have sex”. Then he left. I was just an object to him. Just something that he could use and toss out when he didn’t need it anymore. Like a disposable cup.
Nobody will ever understand the magnitude. "I was raped," I tell people, and they say they are sorry. They barely seem phased by it at all. "I’m going to go on trial," I tell people, and they just say, "okay." What is "okay" about any of it? Why is it just “okay” that he raped me and turned my entire world upside down? Why is it "okay" that I don’t sleep at night and I can’t eat and I throw up of anxiety frequently? Why is it "okay" that my body was violated in every way imaginable? And why is it "okay" that he could go completely free and serve no jail time even after all of the evidence collected and my testimony? I am infuriated and everyone else seems only slightly bothered. I break down every day and it is the only thing I can think of but people forget about it easily and make rape jokes when I’m around. How could they just forget something like that? Something so life-changing and traumatizing. I feel forgotten and left behind and small and angry and nobody takes me seriously. Nobody understands.