I was never raped, but I could've been. I'm deciding to write about it here because I love the idea of people coming together and sharing experiences to overcome them. As I've read the truths from this website, I feel like mine is nothing compared to the stories I've seen on here and it just makes me want to do everything I can to fight against sexual abuse and abusive relationships.
I was very young during my first relationship and I didn't know anything about love and I didn't know anything about sex either. He was very abusive to me and unfortunately I didn't realize how toxic the relationship was until it was too late.
The relationship consisted of him constantly telling me that I didn't love him whenever I refused to make out with him. He just made me feel badly about myself for not wanting to participate in all the physical aspects of a relationship. Wasn't one kiss enough? Nope, not for him.
I remember him pushing me against a wall, kissing my neck. His hands were around my wrists and he literally had me pinned against a wall. What's even worse is that we were in public. I told him I didn't exactly want to make out in public and he yelled at me. He got angry and so naturally, I got scared. I felt bad for making him angry and I even started crying.
I will never forget how horrible he made me feel for not wanting to have sex with him, for not wanting to send him nudes, and I will never forget how angry he got at me for never wanting to make out. This made me feel like a horrible person. I questioned if I was good enough to be a girlfriend, or a future wife someday. He told me I was "always acting crazy." That made me feel ten times worse. Was I crazy just because I didn't want to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss me?
It is so unfair and sad, that so many people are sexually abused, verbally abused, etc. It's especially sad when it comes from someone that you think you can trust, someone you find yourself loving.
I will never be the same after that relationship and I am still trying to forget about it. I am still struggling with serious trust issues and I honestly don't know if I'll ever want to participate in any sexual activity in any future relationship I have, and that scares me.
Something that will always motivate me to keep trying though, is finding organizations like this. It's so comforting to know that I am not alone in my battle and that I could've been scarred in a much worse way than I was. I pray for all those who have been hurt. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are in this together and WE WILL overcome it.