Emile

I was drunk, incredibly and ridiculously drunk. My friend and I were walking back to the dorms after a long night out. I guess it was my fault, I blame myself for getting that drunk and for what soon happened after. We were stumbling home visibly drunk and slurring, when a friend of a friend grabbed me by the waist and directed me towards the opposite direction. I told him that I couldn't leave my friend but that didn't stop him, he just kept walking me in a towards his dorm, and I, too drunk to even walk on my own, went...I looked back too tired and too weak to call out for my friend, and her too drunk to even notice or help her self separated.


I was too drunk for consent. My consent was taken from me. It was assumed.

I never said no. I never said stop. I was blacked out for the majority of the time. I wasn't there, my mind was not present, my body was the only thing present for him to use. I woke up alone and naked. His roommate called my friends and they took me. It felt like a dream, my mind could not process what just happened. All I remember is me repeating, 'I was too drunk for that,' over and over to myself. Everyone told me not to make a bigger deal out of it than it was. So I didn't. I went back to my old ways, coping with guys and unhealthy behaviors.


An environment that should have been safe, is no longer a safe space for me. I see him in my classes, in the dining hall, at the bars, in my dorm, everywhere. HE IS EVERYWHERE. I want to transfer. I wonder what he thinks about me? Does he think I was being overdramatic? Did he tell his friends? Who knows, and what has he told them about me? Every time I'm on my campus, I feel paranoid, like everyone knows what happened.

I still blame myself, and to this day, I still don't know what to call what happened to me. The only thing I know is that I was taken advantage of.


I had a close friend at the time who reported the incident but all I did was yell and stop talking to him. I regret that. He was the only one that listened, that cared, that wanted me to get help. If you are reading this, thank you.


Soon after I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. I thought I loved him but that wasn't love. He would build me up just to bring me down piece by piece. My partner would call me disgusting and horrible names. He would call me a "slut, whore, disgusting, used, pathetic, garbage." He even told me that my life was a waste of space, and that nobody would care if I was gone.


It took me 11 months to build up the courage and strength to leave my abusive relationship. It's a bummer it took so long, that I let myself stay for such a long time in an abusive and toxic relationship and that I degraded my worth to a person like him. The sad part about what happened is that I started to believe everything he said and thought about me...and I still do. Maybe I am a "slut" and maybe that is why I was raped.


It's been five months since I was strong enough to leave that relationship, and I thank everyone who stood next to me, no matter how hard it was for them to see me go through that. It's been one year since I was taken advantage of and my campus is no longer a safe space.

I've started therapy and I've set healthy boundaries for myself. I'm trying to love myself again, I am trying to heal, grow and love but, it's hard. I suffer from depression and anxiety. It is hard for me to do normal things. Going out or even talking to a guy makes me fearful that he is like my abusive ex, or that if we start kissing, he won't stop and force himself on me. I guess these last two years have emotionally affected me really bad. It is hard to trust again. I'm fearful of getting stuck in an unhealthy relationship or getting assaulted. I wake up with anxiety attacks, I have extremely bad social anxiety but, I'm trying.


I'm trying to heal and I know it will come one day. All I know is that right now is the happiest I've been in two years. Everything that happens in life has a reason, and I know even the worst moments in my life have brought me to where I am today.