I cannot verbally say, "I was raped" or even, "I was sexually assaulted."
I was drunk and I was too scared to fight because I kept blacking out. Because of this, I had absolutely no idea where I was. If I screamed would anyone hear me? What if its so secluded that if I tried to run he'd not only rape me but murder me too?
So I allowed him to do whatever he wanted. I didn't fight. The guilt of not even trying makes me feel like I have no right to say it was rape. On June 1st it will be a year and I can't help but think back on all the things I could have done different. I wish I could have avoided a whole year of misery by being more careful with me drinking. I blame myself for putting myself in that situation and it makes it so hard to pronounce those words.
I did report it and my DA decided to prosecute. Because of COVID-19, court has been delayed. We are supposed to continue on June 3rd but given that my county is still under quarantine, I am not sure it will.