I’ve felt guided to share my story for some time
There are so many different reasons for keeping matters as such hidden
Some things heal and lessen with time
For me this is not one of those things
And I feel if I can help even one person
That is what matters
I don’t even know where to start
When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart
For so long
It can be hard to open it
How do I start
How do I say it
The truth
Of
The truth
The harsh truth
The painful truth
Nonetheless truth it is
Here’s to hoping
That indeed it shall set me free
I don’t remember the first time
As much as I know it happened
I’ve narrowed it down to age 8
When the worst of it happened
But I remember how the monster
Hovered over me for years
Prowling
Until he attacked
My soul went away for a bit
My memory still covers it
How can something you can’t remember still haunt you
But it does
I’ve found pieces of my body spread about
Showing me the evidence as I sew
The pieces back into my body
As I grew older and my body changed into
That of desire at age 12
The lurks of older men as I held
my mothers hand
Well I didn’t really understand them
I only knew I was uncomfortable and clung closer to my mother
In spite of my tall nature
I grew to be cautious, protective, and resilient
How do I start
How do I say it
The truth
Of
The truth
The harsh truth
The painful truth
Nonetheless truth it is
That it happened again as a teenager of 16
With a boyfriend who
Had met my mother
Looked her in the eye
And shook her hand, answered her questions
My parents were separated by then
I wonder if my father had been there if it
May have changed things
I saw him on weekends
But my mother carried the bulk of caretaker
On her shoulders alone
Maybe if I hadn’t of been drinking I could have
Run away, pushed away, I don’t know
I was in the city and it would have been worse outside in my condition
Stop reading now if this is too hard
I don’t even want to say it
I did say no several times
Until he brought my head down
My body was so weak to fight it
I don’t want to say anymore about it
We went back to the party and then it was winter break
I didn’t hear from him after
I just saw him at school next year
He winked at me once and I turned red with shame
He tried to call me years later