Racquel

I’ve felt guided to share my story for some time


There are so many different reasons for keeping matters as such hidden

Some things heal and lessen with time

For me this is not one of those things

And I feel if I can help even one person

That is what matters

I don’t even know where to start


When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart

For so long

It can be hard to open it

How do I start

How do I say it

The truth

Of

The truth

The harsh truth

The painful truth

Nonetheless truth it is

Here’s to hoping

That indeed it shall set me free

I don’t remember the first time

As much as I know it happened

I’ve narrowed it down to age 8

When the worst of it happened

But I remember how the monster

Hovered over me for years

Prowling

Until he attacked

My soul went away for a bit

My memory still covers it

How can something you can’t remember still haunt you

But it does

I’ve found pieces of my body spread about

Showing me the evidence as I sew

The pieces back into my body

As I grew older and my body changed into

That of desire at age 12

The lurks of older men as I held

my mothers hand

Well I didn’t really understand them

I only knew I was uncomfortable and clung closer to my mother

In spite of my tall nature

I grew to be cautious, protective, and resilient


How do I start

How do I say it

The truth

Of

The truth

The harsh truth

The painful truth

Nonetheless truth it is

That it happened again as a teenager of 16

With a boyfriend who

Had met my mother

Looked her in the eye

And shook her hand, answered her questions

My parents were separated by then

I wonder if my father had been there if it

May have changed things

I saw him on weekends

But my mother carried the bulk of caretaker

On her shoulders alone

Maybe if I hadn’t of been drinking I could have

Run away, pushed away, I don’t know

I was in the city and it would have been worse outside in my condition

Stop reading now if this is too hard

I don’t even want to say it

I did say no several times

Until he brought my head down

My body was so weak to fight it

I don’t want to say anymore about it

We went back to the party and then it was winter break

I didn’t hear from him after

I just saw him at school next year

He winked at me once and I turned red with shame

He tried to call me years later

Like nothing happened

With the help of a friend

I said how wronged I felt

And he could never call again


How do I start

How do I say it

The truth

Of

The truth

The harsh truth

The painful truth

Nonetheless truth it is

At this point I was 19 and had six months of sobriety

I was starved for love

And he wrote me poetry

Made me meals

He had met my mother

Looked her in the eye

And shook her hand, answered her questions

He even later met my father

And shook his hand, answered his questions

I forget the exact timeline of occurrences

But it was early on

We were being intimate

And then he raped me

He finished before I could do anything

I got up to walk away

And he grabbed my arm

Now looking back I can see it probably

Wasn’t his first time doing something of

This atrocity

He started crying

It was an accident

He didn’t mean to

Tears and tears and tears

I had told him no several times already

I said I would say when and if I was ever ready

I think I did it later consensually

To take my power back somehow

There were many red flags

I didn’t know how to identify them then

I forgive myself now for staying with him after

I forgive myself now for everything I endured

I forgive myself now for allowing the sexual abuse after

I didn’t even know what that was then

It never was as bad as that first time he raped me

I suppose I thought those horrid things were only committed

By monsters because he still would write me poetry

Make me meals

Make me promises of changing and he would just enough

He never did hit me

But it was only a matter of time

By Gods grace I walked away almost two years later


When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart

For so long

It can be hard to open it

Here’s to hoping

That indeed it shall set me free


I’ve pieced back the pieces of myself over time

I walk with my spine straight and my head tall

It’s time to let these go

I suppose I thought these horrid truths

May hurt someone as much as they did me

Even a fraction

And I would never wish that upon anyone ever

I don’t know how to live with these truths out

But that’s okay because if I can help someone learn to forgive

Themselves for not knowing what to do, how to heal, or move on

That they are perfect, they are whole, and above all

There is nothing you could have done or not done

To change it

And you will be okay

There is more to your worth

They didn’t steal it

You are a treasure beyond measure in gold or value

Your light is yours alone

Take a deep breathe when you are able to one day

It may take time

It may take time

You are loved and supported by so many you will never know


Know that always