Racquel

I’ve felt guided to share my story for some time


There are so many different reasons for keeping matters as such hidden

Some things heal and lessen with time

For me this is not one of those things

And I feel if I can help even one person

That is what matters

I don’t even know where to start


When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart

For so long

It can be hard to open it

How do I start

How do I say it

The truth

Of

The truth

The harsh truth

The painful truth

Nonetheless truth it is

Here’s to hoping

That indeed it shall set me free

I don’t remember the first time

As much as I know it happened

I’ve narrowed it down to age 8

When the worst of it happened

But I remember how the monster

Hovered over me for years

Prowling

Until he attacked

My soul went away for a bit

My memory still covers it

How can something you can’t remember still haunt you

But it does

I’ve found pieces of my body spread about

Showing me the evidence as I sew

The pieces back into my body

As I grew older and my body changed into

That of desire at age 12

The lurks of older men as I held

my mothers hand

Well I didn’t really understand them

I only knew I was uncomfortable and clung closer to my mother

In spite of my tall nature

I grew to be cautious, protective, and resilient


How do I start

How do I say it

The truth

Of

The truth

The harsh truth

The painful truth

Nonetheless truth it is

That it happened again as a teenager of 16

With a boyfriend who

Had met my mother

Looked her in the eye

And shook her hand, answered her questions

My parents were separated by then

I wonder if my father had been there if it

May have changed things

I saw him on weekends

But my mother carried the bulk of caretaker

On her shoulders alone

Maybe if I hadn’t of been drinking I could have

Run away, pushed away, I don’t know

I was in the city and it would have been worse outside in my condition

Stop reading now if this is too hard

I don’t even want to say it

I did say no several times

Until he brought my head down

My body was so weak to fight it

I don’t want to say anymore about it

We went back to the party and then it was winter break

I didn’t hear from him after

I just saw him at school next year

He winked at me once and I turned red with shame

He tried to call me years later