I’ve felt guided to share my story for some time
There are so many different reasons for keeping matters as such hidden
Some things heal and lessen with time
For me this is not one of those things
And I feel if I can help even one person
That is what matters
I don’t even know where to start
When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart
For so long
It can be hard to open it
How do I start
How do I say it
The truth
Of
The truth
The harsh truth
The painful truth
Nonetheless truth it is
Here’s to hoping
That indeed it shall set me free
I don’t remember the first time
As much as I know it happened
I’ve narrowed it down to age 8
When the worst of it happened
But I remember how the monster
Hovered over me for years
Prowling
Until he attacked
My soul went away for a bit
My memory still covers it
How can something you can’t remember still haunt you
But it does
I’ve found pieces of my body spread about
Showing me the evidence as I sew
The pieces back into my body
As I grew older and my body changed into
That of desire at age 12
The lurks of older men as I held
my mothers hand
Well I didn’t really understand them
I only knew I was uncomfortable and clung closer to my mother
In spite of my tall nature
I grew to be cautious, protective, and resilient
How do I start
How do I say it
The truth
Of
The truth
The harsh truth
The painful truth
Nonetheless truth it is
That it happened again as a teenager of 16
With a boyfriend who
Had met my mother
Looked her in the eye
And shook her hand, answered her questions
My parents were separated by then
I wonder if my father had been there if it
May have changed things
I saw him on weekends
But my mother carried the bulk of caretaker
On her shoulders alone
Maybe if I hadn’t of been drinking I could have
Run away, pushed away, I don’t know
I was in the city and it would have been worse outside in my condition
Stop reading now if this is too hard
I don’t even want to say it
I did say no several times
Until he brought my head down
My body was so weak to fight it
I don’t want to say anymore about it
We went back to the party and then it was winter break
I didn’t hear from him after
I just saw him at school next year
He winked at me once and I turned red with shame
He tried to call me years later
Like nothing happened
With the help of a friend
I said how wronged I felt
And he could never call again
How do I start
How do I say it
The truth
Of
The truth
The harsh truth
The painful truth
Nonetheless truth it is
At this point I was 19 and had six months of sobriety
I was starved for love
And he wrote me poetry
Made me meals
He had met my mother
Looked her in the eye
And shook her hand, answered her questions
He even later met my father
And shook his hand, answered his questions
I forget the exact timeline of occurrences
But it was early on
We were being intimate
And then he raped me
He finished before I could do anything
I got up to walk away
And he grabbed my arm
Now looking back I can see it probably
Wasn’t his first time doing something of
This atrocity
He started crying
It was an accident
He didn’t mean to
Tears and tears and tears
I had told him no several times already
I said I would say when and if I was ever ready
I think I did it later consensually
To take my power back somehow
There were many red flags
I didn’t know how to identify them then
I forgive myself now for staying with him after
I forgive myself now for everything I endured
I forgive myself now for allowing the sexual abuse after
I didn’t even know what that was then
It never was as bad as that first time he raped me
I suppose I thought those horrid things were only committed
By monsters because he still would write me poetry
Make me meals
Make me promises of changing and he would just enough
He never did hit me
But it was only a matter of time
By Gods grace I walked away almost two years later
When you’ve kept something trapped in your heart
For so long
It can be hard to open it
Here’s to hoping
That indeed it shall set me free
I’ve pieced back the pieces of myself over time
I walk with my spine straight and my head tall
It’s time to let these go
I suppose I thought these horrid truths
May hurt someone as much as they did me
Even a fraction
And I would never wish that upon anyone ever
I don’t know how to live with these truths out
But that’s okay because if I can help someone learn to forgive
Themselves for not knowing what to do, how to heal, or move on
That they are perfect, they are whole, and above all
There is nothing you could have done or not done
To change it
And you will be okay
There is more to your worth
They didn’t steal it
You are a treasure beyond measure in gold or value
Your light is yours alone
Take a deep breathe when you are able to one day
It may take time
It may take time
You are loved and supported by so many you will never know
Know that always
